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How Grieving Properly Helps Us Manifest The Lives We Desire

Author - Cathryn Deyn



The mantra goes something like this - 

"To manifest the life I wish to live, I will be positive. I now choose positive thoughts, believe and trust in the world as a benevolent and helpful place, and avoid all negativity."

As a recipe for success, it sounds convincing. The principles seem to make sense -after all, like attracts like, yes? But, as anyone who has made gut-bustingly concerted efforts to manifest things will know, remaining infinitely positive is virtually impossible. We assume that when we become better at being positive, our manifesting will come to glorious fruition! It becomes a never-ending quest, and a stressful cycle, from hope and determination to confused frustration and back to hope, and so on. Why do we end up so trapped in this ‘manifesting loop’?

When We Fake, We Flunk.

Human beings are designed to be authentic. Biologically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, we are meant to function using the whole of ourselves, because when we get real, amazing things happen. Getting real though comes with a challenge – it means we must be prepared to deal honestly with the crappiest parts of life – the downs as well as the ups; the losses, and the grief those losses provoke…

"The grand mirror of life will always, always reflect back to us the whole of our inner reality"

The L Word

Loss of course, visits everyone. It sweeps in as the grim reaper and gallops off with things, situations and people that we love/need and did not want to lose. Life is infuriatingly consistent where loss is concerned, but despite it showing up for everyone, loss is a Great Taboo. It is hushed up and ignored. We are taught from a very early age to pretend that loss ‘never happened’. We are told 'don't cry!' and 'be brave!' and come to believe that to show or feel our true emotions is somehow shameful or weak. Unfortunately, this approach creates emotional log-jams. As we travel through life, and encounter loss in its’ myriad forms, we unwittingly accumulate many unshed tears, unsaid words and un-felt feelings. The emotional energy that is meant to move through us fluently, is stuck - trapped behind tight muscles, clenched jaws and the iron bars of our willpower. We can be fantastically accomplished at hiding all this from ourselves, but the grand mirror of life will always, always reflect back to us the whole of our inner reality, warts and all. We can smile constantly at the world like Cheshire cats and earnestly recite mantra’s until we are hoarse, but this effortful bravado will create disappointment if we cannot loosen up...   

Essential Flow

For life to deliver the things we desire, we need to be open, receptive and connected to the moving stream of the world around us. Nothing interferes with this more drastically than those denied emotions. They settle and stagnate, compressed into energetic layers that do not move, forming an ‘energetic wall’ that blocks our creativity and intuition, saps our energy and dulls our perception. We operate at a lower frequency and life just seems rather pants. We are well and truly stuck in our own Groundhog Day, trapped in a little stagnant pool, watching in dismay as the beautifully abundant river of life flows by, just inches from our nose. What are we to do?...


The natural emotional response to loss, is a sensation of emptiness, and feelings of sadness. It is unpleasant at first, to fully notice within and around us, the big space where that precious/useful/necessary thing used to be. In the shock of loss, we instinctively tighten up to deny and defend ourselves against those responses. This 'survival denial' is not a problem if it is only temporary, but so often it becomes a habitual state. We continue to live like this, becoming used to it as a new ‘normal’, and with a resulting false sense of having ‘dealt with it’. The unfelt hole of loss within us creates the very same externally –a sense of a big emptiness in our life, and a niggling sense that something is 'wrong'.


"By allowing ourselves to be authentic within, we create an authentic and deeply satisfying life without."

Beautiful Space

The solution is not easy, but it is simple - it is no more complicated than allowing ourselves to fully feel the emptiness and the sadness. As we give our feelings the air-time that they need, we discover they dissipate more quickly than we would have believed possible. The emptiness becomes acceptable at a whole new level. It stops being a scary cavern of nothingness and becomes a useful space – a new pot in which to grow and thrive. We are re-booted and re-invigorated. We can create, intuit and be inspired. How fortunate we are that our potential is always waiting to blossom!

Life too will respond and wastes no time in flowing in to fill the space which we have now allowed to exist. Opportunities and helping hands appear, and synchronicities pop up all over the place. When we give ourselves whole-heartedly to life, it will reciprocate. It can do nothing but be a fantastically accurate mirror of our whole self. By allowing ourselves to be authentic within, we create an authentic and deeply satisfying life without. Authenticity is a superbly designed system, once we see it for what it is!


We are incredibly blessed to dwell in bodies that know what to do. Time is irrelevant. Unfelt and frozen emotional energy is always ready, with the right encouragement, to begin to thaw and flow. The mind and body together are a formidable team, powered by innate intelligence. Our emotional responses, once moving, find the easiest route through us. We need do nothing but let them happen.

We have a choice…we can continue to button our stiff upper lips, live in denial of our vulnerabilities and suffer the empty-making consequences, or break out! - dare to liberate our whole true selves, connect with the full spectrum of who we really are, and become brave, powerful and creative pioneers of our own unique existence. So many do not dare, but if we opt to take the road less travelled, we discover a place that we can truly call home. It was of course, within us all along.


Cathryn Deyn is a holistic psychologist, intuitive life coach and writer. She is the author of a new book called ‘Secret Grief’, in which she shares her own experiences, insights and emotional processing tools for dealing with loss. She works with clients all over the world via Skype/phone and in person, at her private practice in Lincolnshire U.K.

Check out more of Cathryns work - www.cathryndeyn.com

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